Recently on the EEAC PEP listserv (for parents of post-adoption, school-aged children) there's been a discussion of whether or not it's appropriate to tell your child's teacher that he or she was adopted. Specifically, the discussion is about kids who were adopted much younger than they are now (we're not talking about not mentioning to the kindergarten teacher that the reason little Alex speaks Russian instead of English is because he's adopted...)

Most of the posters so far have said they've thought it was a good idea, even as the children get into the upper elementary grades, although some parents feel that it's their children's story to tell, so they will only mention it if their children think it's ok.

My thoughts lie somewhere in the middle, but of course, my children are young (and my school-aged son, 7, is not adopted). If your child doesn't have any lingering "issues" surrounding adoption, or if your child doesn't have an IEP, then I think it is probably his or her story to tell...with one exception, and this is in regards to the family history/family tree projects that often come up. I actually have a hard time believing that any teacher still assigns family-based projects that only include the traditional nuclear, biological family these days, but apparently some of them do, so it's best to be prepared.

Malve, one of the parents on the PEP list, wrote about her family's situation and why she tells her son's teacher about his adoption even though he's going into 4th grade. She also offers a very useful way to ward off problems with the family history/family tree assignment right off the bat. Happily, she gave me permission to repost what she said:

My son is now entering fourth grade, and I debated whether to continue doing what I have so far done every year, that is, inform the teacher. I decided that for the time being it is still in my son's best interest to provide his teacher with a bit of a context for some of the behavioral and learning issues (speech delays/impulsivity/auditory processing, teasing by other students, etc.). From my conversations with various teachers I realized that often the new teacher is not even fully informed of the contents of the IEP until a few weeks into the school year--too late in my book to avoid unnecessary frustration. For this reason as well I think it is helpful to give the teacher a quick summary of the principal issues--also to open up lines of communication and to set the stage for talks throughout the year as issues arise--rather than wait for a crisis. So far I have found that the teachers appreciated this type of background information. I also include a blurb re. the "personal assignments" along the lines of:

"In light of the fact that my son has very little material regarding his early history and also might feel uncomfortable in sharing some of it, just in case there are any assignments that involve "early history/family/milestones/baby history materials," I would appreciate if these could be somewhat open-ended. I would be happy to provide you with some ideas if this should be welcome."

Way to go, Malve, for letting us read your well-crafted wording! If you want to read more about school and whether or not to tell, please see this article in the current issue of Adoptive Families magazine.