This morning I asked Little J to clear his breakfast dishes. "NO!" he said. I then told him to clear his breakfast dishes.

"You're mean."

"How am I mean?" I asked. "I just want to teach you manners! That's not being mean. That's being a good mommy."

"You are a good mommy," he said. He cleared his dishes.(Little J has been in an extraordinarily thoughtful and mostly sweet mood the past few days, although also his energy level has become frenetic. He is changing. As long as he isn't hostile I can deal with the hyperactivity...but I digress).

"Thank you," I said. Hugs all around.

"My Russian mommy is mean," he said.

"You don't remember her," I said. "You were a teeny tiny baby when you last saw her. You can't call her mean. We don't know her."

"My Russian mommy is nice." I guess he figured if the first thing he said wasn't true then maybe the opposite would be.

"Hmm," I said. I don't mind if Little J fantasizes about his birth family but I don't actively encourage it or participate in it. My take on the subject is to try to be as factual as possible. "Let's talk about what we do know. Your teeth need cleaning. Run upstairs and brush them."

"Okay!" he said, pleased to be told to run. He hopped, skipped and jumped out of the room.

Just an ordinary scene on an better than ordinary morning in my household...but it segues into something I've been thinking about a lot of late: Little J's Russian mother and how, although I certainly don't think of her as "mean," sometimes I am awfully angry at her.

I know it's not PC to be down on the birthmoms. I'll probably get some comments on this blog (if anyone actually reads it) telling me that I have no right not to be anything but sympathetic to her and her plight and it's the Russian society and government that creates a system that causes poor women to relinquish or neglect their children or become alcoholics, etc. etc. etc.

I know all that. And on most days I do have sympathy.

But on bad days (today not being one of them, which is why I can write about this even half-way logically) I am really, really, really, really angry at her.

Poverty is one thing. I can blame the Russian government for that. Heck, I can blame our government for that. But alcohol abuse is quite another thing. It is highly likely that she drank heavily while pregnant with Little J. Also highly likely that she drank while breastfeeding him, which in many people's minds means that she cared enough to give the very best but is also the cheapest way of feeding a baby - and a direct conduit of alcohol from mama to child.

This is why I'm mad at her. Little J has some issues - many, most probably, we've yet to discover. Fetal alcohol effects are non-reversible. Alcohol abuse by a pregnant woman = brain damage in baby.

I know alcoholism is a disease. I have 2 close relatives who had it. Do I feel badly or sorry for them? Um, no. Do I think there's an element of choice involved? Absolutely. I am not an alcoholic and I have generations of alcoholics behind me. Nor did I marry one, although I married someone who also has alcoholism in his family. But we made a choice in our lives. Children who were exposed to alcohol prenatally had that choice taken away.

That's why I'm mad. I think I have a right to be.